Just Kinda Off ..

So ive been feeling pretty "off" lately .. my emotions are running wild & i cant seem to put them in check! i know most of it is im PMSing but some of it is the feelings i keep hidden deep down that i dont talk to anyoneeeee about, not even my husband! ive been feeling that im need of just a good cry .. well i finally had that last night :) & i must say, i do feel tons better!!! :)) 


i think alot of it is my deep feeling of survivors guilt that noone will ever be able to convince me otherwise! its been 9 years since my dad died, yet im not able to move on from it & i think the reason why is my feeling of survivors guilt. i keep telling myself that if i only wouldve taken him home like i was supposed to then he'd still be here .. everyone tells me that no matter what my dad was destined to die that night & if id been with him id probably be dead too .. yea, well id feel better then! & whose to say 100% that it was ment to be that night!? if i wouldve taken him home he wouldnt have been out on the road that late at night to crash with that car, so maybe i couldve saved him??! Its hard for me to know that i heard the things i heard that night & it was all ripped away in a matter of hours after i left! :( 


i am 100% against drunk driving - hes missed out on soooo much because of one night! his friend was the one drunk driving .. my dad was trying to be the responsible one of not driving after drinking, just made the mistake of trusting someone else. because of one night of fun he missed both of my proms, my graduation, my marriages, his grandson being born, my brother playing high school sports, his graduation & just the moments of life with his family! 


noone seems to understand why i just cant get over it & move on with my life .. well, if you felt responsible as to why he wasnt here anymore, would you be able to get over it?! didnt think so .. especially when i have my son every now & then say he wishes he got to meet his grandpa & that his grandpa flies around with his wings because hes an angel now!  just kills you on the inside .. to think, i couldve prevented all this! 


looking back now, i know i didnt see my dad enough or spend enough time with him .. i cant take it back now but i sure wish i could! i wish i could just tell him how sorry i am & how i wish i couldve changed the outcome! maybe one day ill find a true someone (a medium, a psychic, etc) who can connect us & i can tell him everything .. i feel, thats the only way id ever be able to come to terms with whats happened .. 


well, until then .. i will just have to continue to deal in my own way .. thanks for listening to my ramble! 


#muchlove